How come I didn't know that Clark Griswold was running for President?

Oh I'm sorry it is not Clark Griswold, it's Rick Santorum!  But you do see how easy it is to get them confused, right?

I know what you are thinking. "Oh Gryphen, you are messing with us. That MUST be a parody."

Nope, it's not.

It is the desperate attempt by Rick Santorum to mimic Sarah Palin's "highly successful" political bus tour/family vacation in order to get some national attention.  Because dammit, Rick Santorum recognizes a good idea when he sees one!

Gee I wonder if Santorum will "ride a hog" like Sister Sarah did?

By the way I also stumbled across some footage of the Santorum road trip that was not used in the political ad. (If you are at work you might want to skip this video until later, as it contains some quite a lot of adult language.)



But don't worry kids, it will not JUST be about Rick "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex" Santorum taking his children around and lying to them about American History, he will also be sharing that ignorance with the American people he meets along the way.

Santorum said he’s been criticized for saying earlier this week, “Schools indoctrinate our children.” He added, “I said ‘indoctrination’ and I meant it.”

Rick Santorum speaks earlier Thursday at a restaurant in Rock Rapids.


As an example, he said: “Sixty-two percent of incoming freshmen come into college with a faith conviction and leave without it. … I suspect if you took a control group of kids who don’t go to college, that doesn’t happen.”

“We see this humanism and secularism being pushed on our children,” said Santorum, who, with his wife, Karen, has been home-schooling their seven children through about eighth grade.

That's right folks!  Rick Santorum's message to America is "Don't allow your children to become educated. It just makes them too intelligent to buy into your Theocratic bullshit! And THAT is just bad for America!"


(H/T to the Huffington Post.)

The Magic of Winnie the Pooh.

Before I begin this post I just want to mention that I used to be a power lifting and martial arts champion.

In other words I lifted really heavy things and punched people in the heads for trophies, and sometimes cash prizes.

Those are very, very manly things, I am sure you will agree.

Did you get that manly part?

Okay then, on to Winnie the Pooh.

In those emotionally overwhelming  moments when I first held my newborn daughter, I made a decision.

Well the first thing I thought was that somebody needed to take her and hose her off a little because she was covered in goo and it was making me gag a little, but the second thing that I thought was that I was going to make sure my daughter was exposed to the best things that life had to offer, which included reading to her from the classics of literature. (I actually wrote about that in an earlier post.)

So the very first book that I bought for us to read together was this one.

 

As you can no doubt tell from the tears in the cover and the weathered overall look, this book has been read, and reread, many, many times.

However I was in such a hurry to start reading the "classics" to my new born daughter that I literally purchased this book, which is NOT the watered down Disney version by the way, just days after her birth.

Though I was completely convinced that my daughter would have the IQ of a genius, it did occur to me that the current level of her comprehension might make this unsuitable for bedtime reading for at LEAST a few more weeks.

So to prepare her for the first step on her long literary adventure I bought this:

I know, isn't that adorable?

However in the baby instruction book that I bought, (because for some reason she did not come with one), it said that my daughter's eyes may not be able to focus on the mobile very well for the first few months, so I decided to buy one of these for her to sleep on:

And, of course, one of these:

Only the original Pooh bear would suffice for my daughter.

(You don't think I overdid it do you?)

So long story short, my daughter was raised around Winnie the Pooh, and Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia, and yes, she grew up LOVING the Winnie the Pooh stories. (So yes parents OCCASIONALLY the things you want your children to do they will actually do. Remember, I said occasionally!)

So let's fast forward about twenty three years into the future, to two days ago.

There I was surfing the net, looking for adventure movies full of action, and violence (and hopefully some tasteful nudity), to watch this upcoming weekend, when I happened to notice that this movie was also playing at the local theater.

Have you ever smelled a smell, or heard a sound, and suddenly found yourself transported to a different time and place? A distant, happy, nearly forgotten place which seems to envelope you in warm, soothing memories that quickly dissipate just as you find yourself reaching out to touch them?

Suddenly all thoughts of superheroes, giant transforming robots, and immature scatological comedies completely left my mind and all I wanted was to watch this movie.  This animated, G rated, Saturday matinee friendly movie.

Did I mention I used to be a bouncer at a strip club?  Well I was!

But you know I didn't REALLY want to see this move.........alone.

In fact there was only one way I would actually go through with it and humiliate myself by sitting in a sticky theater with a bunch of over caffeinated preschoolers. And let's face it there was NO WAY my too busy to even text her father back, adult daughter was going to want to watch this movie!

Right?

But I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask, so I did.

"So Honey, I happened to see that there was this new, probably completely screwed up, Winnie the Pooh movie out.  And I was wond..."

"Oh yeah, I was going to ask YOU if you wanted to go to that! I think it looks really good!  Do you remember all of that Winnie the Pooh stuff you bought me?  I kept it and still have all of it in storage! (You do?) So can we go tomorrow?"

"Sure.....I mean....if that is what YOU want? I guess I could find the time."

So it looked like we were going after all.

The only potential obstacle to our plan was that the movie started at 10:15 in the morning, which was the only time I could make it due to work commitments, and my daughter is NOT an early riser. (That kids, is what is known as a HUGE understatement!)

So the next day I decided to start waking my impossible to rouse daughter a whole hour before the movie was supposed to start. (Imagine ripping a giant tree trunk out of the ground, only then imagine that when you turn your back it replants itself and makes you start all over, and you will have SOME idea of what it is like to get my daughter out of bed before noon.)

However right when I had a couple of pots and pans to bang together in my hands, and was walking up to her bedroom door, I noticed that she was already in the bathroom getting ready. (Yeah I admit I had an "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" moment there.)

Before I knew it she was ready to go and we were on our way. On our way to see Winnie the Pooh.  The matinee showing.  My twenty four year old daughter and I. Why was I doing this again?

On the way we managed to catch up on all of the things that we are both too busy to discuss while living in the same house and sleeping only TWO DOORS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! (Did I mention that she  texts me from inside her room when she wants to tell me something, rather than open the damn door and say "Hey Dad, I have something to tell you?" Well I am mentioning it now.)

When we got to the theater I told her she could get anything to eat she wanted, my treat.

So she did.

Thirty five dollars later (When did theaters start serving Filet Mignon?), we were ready to find our seats.

As anticipated the smallish theater was full of sticky little ankle biters that had apparently just broken out of the cotton candy factory, and were so hopped up on sugar I swear I saw their eyeballs vibrating.  But once the movie started they settled down to only intermittent screams of "Stop touching me!" and the occasional maniacal giggle.

The movie was okay, nothing special.  To be honest I liked the old Disney version a little better, but it was relatively entertaining. You know, for a cartoon.

But just as I was about to lean over and whisper my disappointment into my daughter's ear, I heard her laugh.

It swear it sounded different than her usual laugh, yet also...familiar.

So I glanced over.

It was just for a moment.  One bittersweet, precious, magical moment.

But it was enough.

Stephen Colbert believes that Harry Potter and Sarah Palin films would make a GREAT double feature. You know that might be the only plausible way to get anybody to watch "The Undefeated."

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Palin propaganda film sells out in Grapevine, Texas. That might be impressive if anybody had ever HEARD of Grapevine, Texas.

Courtesy of Reuters:

"The Undefeated," a glowing look at failed vice-presidential candidate and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has already sold out a show in Grapevine, Texas (population 46,000), according to the distributor Cinedigm.

Grapevine isn't exactly a teeming metropolis but the film is set to roll out across Tea Party country in 10 AMC theaters.

In addition to Grapevine, the documentary by conservative filmmaker Stephen K. Bannon will expand to Indianapolis, Ind.; Independence, Mo.; Kennesaw, Ga.; Houston, Texas; Orlando, Fla.; Oklahoma City, Okla.; Highlands Ranch, Colo.; Phoenix, Ariz.; and Orange, Calif.

 The film opens tomorrow if anybody is looking for an accidental comedy, an opportunity to be surrounded by assholes, or a cure for insomnia.

Currently the website Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 0%, which means that of the eight people who have seen this cinematic beatification of Sarah Palin, ALL of them gave it a "rotten" rating, but ONLY because that is the lowest rating available on the website.

Below is a screenshot featuring the professional film critics who were subjected to this celluloid abortion because their jobs demanded it of them. I figured their opinion of the movie was worth noting.

I captured this screenshot because, as we all know, the minute this post goes up Rotten Tomatoes will be inundated with positive reviews of this "film" by Palin-bots, the majority of who have not yet even seen the movie.

As revealed in Frank Bailey's book, THAT is how Palin and her supporters handle bad, or negative, press, by hijacking the polls or attacking the critics, or both.

Still I am more than positive that nothing they can do will save this clunker from joining films like "Ishtar," "Battlefield Earth," and "Freddy got Fingered" as one of the worst films of all time.

Since we are on the topic of Palin failings, I should also inform you that all of that talk by her sycophants of "Sarah Palin's Alaska" possibly earning an Emmy turned out to be bullshit as well:


Outstanding Reality Show
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef

However as kind of a booby prize it looks like Bristol's complete lack of rhythm, poor work ethic, and bizarre weight gain did not keep DWTS from getting nominated. So that should make the Grizzled Mama feel better right?

Ah, who are we kidding? That bitch only cares about one person, and that person is HER!

Sarah Palin could win the big prize after all. Well kinda.

Courtesy of LA Times:

Sarah Palin might not win election to the presidency, but she could reap a Razzie Award for her documentary "The Undefeated," which opens in select movie theaters on Friday.

"She's the political equivalent of what the Razzies are all about and she's hysterically funny if you don't stop and think, 'Oh, my God, she could've been vice president!'" gasps Razzie president and founder John Wilson. "Sarah Palin exhibits ineptitude and an indefensible grasping after other people's ideas, calling them her own. Just like Hollywood filmmakers who can't make an original movie. She wants you to put on rose-colored glasses instead of 3-D glasses, but there is still a surcharge you should not pay."

I never thought I would be rooting for Palin to win anything, but you know I think I might have changed my mind.


Go Sarah!

Everybody's favorite Queen of Quitting inspiration for character of bubbly, somewhat psychotic teacher in Cameron Diaz movie.

Courtesy of the Playlist:

Lucy Punch had some interesting things to say about the inspiration for her character, the neurotic and perpetually chipper teacher Ms. Squirrel. “It was pretty much that character on the page but when I read it, just because of the way she talks, because she’s rather twee and perky. The first person I thought was she seems if Sarah Palin had a little cousin who’s an elementary school teacher. I mentioned it to Jake [Kasdan] and he said, ‘You know, I don’t think that was the intention.’ I don’t know if they’re in there but I threw in a few winks and “you betchas”. That’s just who I had in my head, that energy. Not to say that Sarah Palin is deranged or unhinged,” Punch said.

Thomas Lennon then clarified: “That’s almost exactly what you’re saying.” To which Punch shot back: “I’m talking about her perky energy!”

Yeah I have news for Ms. Punch. Sarah Palin IS deranged and unhinged, it only SEEMS like "perky energy" to the uniitiated.

See?  How is that NOT deranged and unhinged?

By the way, I happened to see "Bad Teacher" last Friday, and I loved it.

Do you know how you see something that makes you laugh, and you think "I am going to hell for this?"  Well this whole movie is like that.

But if you have a truly demented sense of humor, like me, then you will LOVE it!

Here is the trailer.



P.S. This movie has the least sexy fully clothed dry humping scene of all time. Just so you know.

Sean Hannity airs snippet of upcoming Sarah Palin theatrical campaign commercial. This has "Lackluster" written all over it!

Courtesy of Media Matters:

Wow! That was...that was...wow, what the hell was that?

Fox News is trying to pimp this movie as this great opus that will resurrect Palin's hemorrhaging political career, and the only part they can get their hands on is about a legal argument with Exxon over oil lease agreements?  If the whole film is like that they better spike the popcorn with amphetamines just to keep everybody conscious.

But I do have to say it was nice to see that they were able to drag Meg Stapleton back in front of the camera to help sell Palin to the masses yet again. 

God how I have missed you Meg!  You always know EXACTLY what to say to provide damage control for your erratic self destructive ex-boss.  Such as in this quote from the ADN yesterday.

"I don't know where Sarah's mind is; I don't think anyone knows that," said Meg Stapleton.

(And hey folks, don't forget that Meg was a paid spokesperson for the Palin administration AND a journalist, so you can bet she knows what she is talking about!)

However a movie with a boring subject, and less than enthusiastic participants, may in fact be a moot point, as apparently theater owners in Iowa (The place where the filmmakers hope to premiere this steaming pile of cinema.), are not exactly enthused with the idea of showing it in the first place.

“Typical political movies don’t do two cents at the box office,” said Brian Fridley, a co-owner of R.L Fridley Theatres Inc., which has 22 locations and 89 screens in Iowa. “No one cares but the Kool-Aid drinkers, whether they’re on the right or the left.”

Denise Mahon, owner of the Varsity Theatre near Drake University in Des Moines, said no one has approached her about running the picture, and she has little interest in it. But out of curiosity, Mahon called her New York distributor today to try to track down details about where in Iowa the film will debut.

Fridley, who described himself as an independent-thinking Republican, said he hasn’t been asked to carry the film — and won’t unless film tracking surveys show it would be popular. “We give films priority as to what’s going to do business at the box office and what are good films we’d like the public to see that may have been looked over,” Fridley said.

Fridley said he personally finds Palin “annoying.”

“Why would you do a movie? Are you going to judge your candidacy on whether people want to see the movie or not?” he said. “I think she really shot herself in the foot when she couldn’t put up with the pressure as governor. How is she going to be as president? If she’s under pressure, is she just going to resign?”

Oooh, that has to hurt!

Not that I want to help Palin in anyway (Trust me, not in ANYWAY at all!), but I think these theatre owners are not visualizing the possibilities.

Just imagine marketing this movie as a midnight cult classic, in the tradition of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

They could invite people to dress up like Palin in fake designer glasses, red Naughty Monkey Double Dare Pumps, and their very own strap on pregnancy belly!

They could even sell Red Bull and Atkins protein bars in the concession stands, and encourage audience participation. 

For instance every time Palin says something stupid the audience could yell out "Ya Betcha!"  Or every time Todd shows up on screen calling out "Have you SEEN Todd?"  Or even having the film stop halfway through, which elicits an "I Quit!" from the audience, as they then stomp out of the theatre to the sound of geese honking in the background.

Hell, even I would go to see that!

After all EVERYBODY knows this campaign commercial masquerading as mainstream film will be nothing more than a joke, so why not be in on the joke rather than the butt of the joke?

It has been bothering me all day, but I finally figured it out.

I KNEW I saw that wig before!

I wonder if this kind of thing will impact my chances of being Raptured tomorrow?

(H/T to Dennis Zaki.)